CLICmas #13

Posted by ThingsThatAnnoyMe from Swansea - Published on 13/12/2011 at 13:00
8 comments » - Tagged as Comedy, Festivals, Music

Yn Gymraeg

Welcome to window #13 of the CLICmas Advent Calendar! If you'd like a window of your own to strut your Christmas stuff in (or should that be stuffing - parp!) and have the chance of winning a Nintendo 3DS then email sam@cliconline.org.uk as soon as possible.

If you want to get rich, write a hit Christmas song: every year it'll get played on repeat in every shop in the country; carol singers will screech it into people's ears; it'll be on the soundtrack to a bunch of awful Christmas movies... there'll be no escaping it, and that will make you millions.

The problem is that everyone has the same idea, so for every good Christmas song that comes along there are at least a hundred terrible ones. Now huddle around the tree, children, for today we are going to celebrate some of the absolute worst Christmas songs to ever infiltrate our ears.

My Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs

(In no particular order; they're all equally terrible. Although I've kept the most depressing two until last, as more sensitive readers may wish to skip those as they deal with pretty heavy topics)

10) The Cheeky Girls: Have A Cheeky Christmas

I want to say "it starts off alright, but rapidly gets worse" however the first half of that sentence would be a lie. With such witty lyrics as "ooh baby baby, underneath the mistletoe, ooh baby baby, very sexy in da snow" and an ending reminiscent of the creepy dream song from A Nightmare On Elm Street, I am eternally thankful this never made history as a cult Christmas classic.

9) Ronan Keating: Fairytale Of New York

At first I was going to put the original Pogues version in here because I just don't understand how anyone can feel happy and charitable after listening to a song with lines like "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap, lousy [I'm not even going to type this word because I think it's homophobic], happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last." It greatly confuses me. However I will admit the song delivers its cynicism in a beautiful way and so I was hesitant to include it on this list. That was before I learnt that Ronan Keating did a cover. Ear protection is advised.

8) Band Aid 20: Do They Know It's Christmas?

Speaking of covers, this one had to get a mention. You know when you get a good song and bring in a group of talented musicians to turn it from 'good' to 'legendary'? Well this is sort of the opposite of that. I believe the apt term is "butchering". Just when you think it can't get any worse, Dizzee Rascal appears. Oh unfathomable joy.

7) Bob Dylan: It Must Be Santa

The musical equivalent of your otherwise well-respected granddad getting drunk, running around naked, then falling into the Christmas tree.

6) Justin Bieber: Mistletoe

Justin Bieber serenades a girl by repeatedly calling her "Shorty" (way to give a girl a complex about her height, Justin). As if that didn't make her feel inadequate enough, he flirts with another girl while Shorty is sitting right in front of him. The next day we see Shorty opening her Christmas card, in which he's written "I have been lurking outside your window all night." He's really not the best person to get dating advice from.

5) Gayla Peevey: I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas

I can’t quite decide whether this song is terrible or brilliant. Either way, it’s now stuck in your head too – mwahaa!

4) Beach Boys: Santa's Beard

Can you make an entire song about a beard?

No. This song is proof of that.

3) Destiny's Child: 8 Days Of Christmas

Everything about this video screams BORED: the 'unenthused chicken' dance, the vacant expressions, the audience members falling asleep. I think the final two thirds of the song are just the chorus repeated ad infinitum, although it's possible my brain just couldn't process the sheer level of awful beyond that point. This song will have you falling asleep with excitement.

2) John Denver: Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)

Because nothing is quite as cheery as a man singing about a boy begging his alcoholic father not to abuse his mother on Christmas Day. YAY. WHAT A CHEERY SONG.

1) New Song: Christmas Shoes

My nomination for Most Depressing Christmas Song In The History Of Ever goes to Christian rock band New Song (yeah, that's actually their name) for this monumental turd of misery. Let me sum up the song so you don't have to go through the agony of watching the video: a man is standing in line at a shop on Christmas Eve, and he's not feeling particularly festive. He looks up and spots a boy clutching some shoes. Boy turns around and says "I don't have enough money. My mum's about to die of cancer. Will you buy these shoes?" The man is overcome by the spirit of Christmas and buys the shoes, then goes home and has a lovely Christmas. The story never explains whether the boy was a con artist or genuinely had a dying mother; instead it focuses on how glad the man is that he met that boy because it made him feel Christmassey.

Now, I don't know about you, but my reaction to this song went something along the lines of: "Who the hell writes a Christmas song about a terminal illness?", "What kind of sick freak was thankful for a child's mother dying just because it made him feel Christmassey?" and "I think I may throw up."

What Christmas songs do you hate? Let us know in the comments below.

8 Comments – Post a comment

Ihavethecyrusvirusx

Commented 5 months ago - 13th December 2011 - 14:04pm

Well I despise Bieber's Mistletoe a lot. Its always on the TV and my parents are lucky I haven't thrown something at the flipping thing yet. But another one I dislike is "Merry Christmas Santa Clause" by Max Headroom (the original video has been taken down from Youtube. Thankfully. It's like a robotic man sort of thing and it reminds me of when I used to fear robotic things like the talking Christmas trees, this little robot toy my stepbro had,etc.)

Another one I dislike is this one:-

Christmas Time by The Darkness. It just gets on my nerves. Nuff said.

The kids in primary adored this. I did not:-

This is always on the TV and it just... well... I don't know what to say...
Bo Selecta - Proper Crimbo

There's probably more but I'm too tired to look. But, I will say that this is my guilty pleasure:-

It's a Christmas tradition for my stepdad and I to dance like this whenever it's on. We're trying to get more people to do it with us. It's just... it's fun! haha.

Awesome article and Merry Christmas! x

769

Commented 5 months ago - 13th December 2011 - 14:15pm

great article, however I don't think the cheeky girls should be in there!!

CLICtania

Commented 5 months ago - 13th December 2011 - 15:02pm

Haha. I love Proper Crimbo Ihavethecyrusvirusx.

"Come now sing with me, Proper Crimbo
I'll take you for a drink with me, Proper Crimbo
Put up your Christmas tree, Proper Crimbo
So excited you may wee, Proper Crimbo"

Classic if I ever heard one!!!

BethanTheBarmy

Commented 5 months ago - 13th December 2011 - 16:55pm

It's a shame, as the originals of 9 and 8 are actually my favourite Christmas songs. The reason Fairytale (Pogues version, of course) is so awesome is because it's so cynical. Not every song that speaks of love is happy, and neither is every song that speaks of Christmas.
But it only works with a drunken Irish stereotype, and dear old Ronan just doesn't fit the bill. Stupid Ronan.

I love Band Aid 1. Whatever happened to leaving things as they were?

Thankfully, I've never heard JB's Mistletoe, along with a lot on this list. But why does John Denver sound so damn happy? When I first heard New Song I genuinely thought they were taking the proverbial mickey, and well... I like the hippo one. Just because hippos get really angry and kill people.

HOWEVER, my least favourite crimbo tune is none other than Spice Girl's Sleigh Ride. Now I actually love the Spice Girls, once upon a time they were my entire life. But even I can't help cringing when I hear "Good tidings we bring, to you and your SHWING..."